He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
