it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
