grandma shit on top of the toilet
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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