I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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