theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
