Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
