that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
