Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
