allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
