and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
