Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
