Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
