I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
