I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
