now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
