Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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