I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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