My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
