thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
