if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
