when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
