I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
