It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
