Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
