She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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