I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
