You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
