I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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