we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
