Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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