Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
