She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
