is your mom at the bar?
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
