2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
