i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
