I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
