Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
