the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
