i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
