I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If I die, sorry about rent.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
