I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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