my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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