Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
