it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
