There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
