So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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