What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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