She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
