just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
