So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
